Agent: "Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes?"

Troy McClure: "Uh... the movie or the planet?"

[3F15] A Fish Called Selma

How Many Years of American History?

Apu: "That is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history."

Homer: "Oh, it can't be that many."

[3F20] Much Apu About Nothing

Simpson, Eh?

Mr. Burns: "Who is this Homer Simpson?"

Smithers: "Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude."

Mr. Burns: "Doesn't ring a bell."

[9F15] Last Exit to Springfield

One Steak Or Two, Sir?

Attendant: "Sir, what would you like for dinner? A steak or two steaks?"

Homer: "Can I have both?"

Attendant: "Sure!"

[FABF14] Catch 'Em if You Can

Bad Bees!

Homer (panic):"Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!"

[1F17] Lisa's Rival

Chief Wiggum: "Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the rebelling women."

Dispatcher: "All right, your current location?"

Chief Wiggum (confused): "Uuoohhh uh, I'm uh, I'm on a road... uh, looks to be asphalt...umm, aww geez...trees, shrubs...uh, I'm directly under the Earth's sun... NOW!"

[1F03] Marge on the Lam

Random Grandpa Simpson quote: "Call me mint jelly 'cause I'm on the lam!"

Homer: "Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal."

[8F10] I Married Marge

Bart: "I never heard Maggie laugh like that before."

Lisa: "Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind of attention."

Bart: "When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day with her."

[3F01] Home Sweet Home Diddily Dum Doodily

Marge: "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodile bit off his face."

Homer: "I may hold you to that, Marge."

[8F16] Bart The Lover

Women And Seamen

Smithers: "I think women and seamen don't mix."

Burns: "We know what you think!"

[9F04] Treehouse of Horror III

Where Does Trying Get You?

Homer: "Trying is the first step towards failure."

[8F21] The Otto Show

NASA Calculates Barney's Bar Tab

Moe: "Say, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?"

Barney: "Oh ho. Oh yeah. You had a good laugh, Moe."

Moe: "The results came back today. You owe me seventy billion dollars."

[3F18] 22 Short Films About Springfield

Have you ever considered artificial insemination?

Lisa: "Have you ever considered artificial insemination?"

Homer: "[laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot."

[9F11] Selma's Choice

Simpsons Link of the Day: The Singhsons

Me fail English?

Ralph: "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

[2F05] Lisa on Ice

A Baby's All Fun And Games

Homer: "Yeah, sure, for you a baby's all fun and games. For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings."

Lisa: "Doesn't Mom do that stuff?"

Homer: "Yeah, but I have to hear about it."

[8F10] I Married Marge

Arch Support

Marge: "Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!"

Bart: "What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals."

Homer: "Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him. "

[5F10] The Last Temptation of Krust

Boxers of Briefs?

Bart: "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"

Homer: "Nope."

[3F21] Homerpalooza

With $10,000...

Homer: "Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires!"

[1F15] Bart Gets an Elephant

I am an Indian-American

Apu: "Today, I am no longer an Indian living in America. I am an Indian-American. "

Lisa: "You know, in a way, all Americans are immigrants. Except, of course Native Americans. "

Homer: "Yeah, Native Americans like us."

Lisa: "No, I mean American Indians."

Apu: "Like me."

Lisa: "No! I mean... "

[3F20] Much Apu About Nothing

Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?

Homer: "Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you? "

Comic Book Guy: "I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token-ring ethernet LAN configuration?"

Homer: [stares blankly for a few seconds] "Can I have some money now?"

[5F11] Das Bus

We don't have to be adversaries, Homer.

Burns: "We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. "

Homer: (thinking) 'Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?'

Burns: "And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. "

Homer: (thinking) 'Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?'

Burns: "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? "

Homer: (thinking) 'My God! He is coming onto me!'

Burns: "After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [wink] "

Homer: (thinking) 'Aaaaaagh!'

Homer: "Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no! "

[9F15] Last Exit to Springfield

You talk bigger than fool.

Bart: "You're going down, Homer."

Homer: "You talk bigger than fool."

Bart: "I'm gonna fool you up real nice."

Homer: "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had a electrified fooling machine."