Daily Simpsons

Provides a funny quote daily from the popular animated series The Simpsons.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Lip Reader

Milhouse: "What are they saying?"

Bart [looking through binoculars]: "I'm not sure."

Milhouse: "I thought you said you could read lips."

Bart: "I assumed I could."

[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Milhouse: "So this is what it feels like...when doves cry."

[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Foxy Dumb

Man: "You must be stupider than you look."

Homer: "Stupider like a fox!"

[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Signs You're Pregnant

Homer: "Do you really think you're pregnant?"

Marge: "Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids."

Homer: "Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did."

[8F10] I Married Marge

Monday, July 26, 2004

Method of Payment

Homer: "Wow. I'll take that ring."

Clerk: "Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it?"

Homer (worried): "I don't know."

[8F10] I Married Marge

Friday, July 23, 2004

Earl Warren Moonlighted?

Marge: "Do you want your son to become become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?"

Homer: "Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?"

[9F03] Itchy And Scratchy: The Movie

Thursday, July 22, 2004

How To Get What You Want

Homer: "You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [long pause then gleefully] The doctor thought I might have brain damage. "

[9403] Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie

Wednesday, July 21, 2004


Lisa: "[Bart] has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!"

Homer: "Don't you think I know that!"

[9F03] Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Taking For Granted

Homer (Upon seeing someone hooked up to an I.V.): And all this time I've been using my mouth like a schmuck.

Monday, July 19, 2004

You Better (Not) Think

Lisa: "Dad, don't you think...."

Homer: "Ah, ah, ah Lisa. Daddy doesn't have to think. That's why we elect politicians. Remember that rainforest thing a few years back? They took care of that alright."

Lisa: "Dad, you don't honestly think that..."

Homer: "Oh...there's that word again.

[2F11] Bart's Comet

Friday, July 16, 2004

Words of Wisdom

Homer: "Trying is the first step towards failure. "

[5F06] Realty Bites

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Parental Support

Homer: "Oh my God, Marge! A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore! "

[2F05] Lisa On Ice

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Science Fair

Principal Skinner: "For a school with no Asian kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair!"

[9F14] Duffless

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Just Like In The Movies

Homer: "Wow a real shoe horn, just like in the movies. Shoe goes on. Shoe goes off. Shoe goes on. Shoe goes off."

[3F24] El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer

Monday, July 12, 2004


Faith: "These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see."

Homer: "Miss, what does the `I' stand for?"


Homer: "Ooh. How about the `V'?"

Faith: "Very."

Homer: "Oh. And Miss, just one more question."

Faith: "Person."

Homer: "Ah... What does the `I' stand for again? "

[8F01] Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington

Friday, July 09, 2004

Bart's Prognosis

Bart: "Oh, man, Dad's dead."

[9F11] Selma's Choice

Thursday, July 08, 2004

We All Gotta Go Sometime

Doctor Hibbert: "Now a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial..."

Homer: "No way, because I'm not dying."

Doctor Hibbert: "...second is anger."

Homer: (enraged) "Why you little!"

Doctor Hibbert: "After that comes fear."

Homer: (worried) "What's after fear? What's after fear?"

Doctor Hibbert:" Bargaining."

Homer: "Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while."

Doctor Hibbert: "Finally acceptance."

Homer: "Well, we all gotta go sometime."

Doctor Hibbert: "Mr. Simpson your progress astounds me."

[7F11] One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Old Addage

Lisa: "Remember, 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.'"

Homer's Brain: "What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid."

Homer: "Takes one to know one!"

Homer's Brain: "Swish!"

[9F08] Lisa's First Word

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

When Soda Machines Attack

Homer gets his arm stuck in a soda machine.

Rescue Worker: "Homer, this...this is never easy to say, uh, I'm going to have to saw your arms off."

Homer: (worried) "They'll grow back, right?"

Rescue Worker: "Uhhhh...yeah."

Homer: "Whew!"

Homer's Coworker: "Homer, are you still holding onto the can?"

Homer: "Your point being?"

[1F03] Marge on the Lam

Friday, July 02, 2004

Alcoholics Not-So-Anonymous

Marge: "You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter. "

Homer: "Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, A.A. meetings, beer nights... "

[2F09] Homer The Great

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Homer The Clown

Homer: "When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something. "

[2F12] Homer The Clown