Borrowing The Family Gun

Bart: "Hey Dad, can I borrow the gun tommorrow? I want to scare that old security guard at the bank."

Homer: "Only if you clean your room."

[5F01] The Cartridge Family

Note: No quote on Monday. Be back Tuesday.

Dummies and Death

Marge: "Homer! When I asked you if the dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no!"

[3F06] Mother Simpsons

Baby Names

Marge: "Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think of the name Larry?"

Homer: "Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'."

Marge: "Well, how about Louie?"

Homer: "They'll call him `Screwy Louie'."

Marge: "Bob?"

Homer: "Slob."

Marge: "Luke?"

Homer: "Puke."

Marge: "Marcus?"

Homer: "Mucus."

Marge: "What about Bart?"

Homer: "Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem with that! "

[8F10] I Married Marge

Last Temptation Of Waffle

Homer: "Why do you mock me, O Lord?"

Marge: "Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there."
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling and hands it to Homer]

Homer: "I know I shouldn't eat thee, but --" [bites] "Mmm, sacrili-cious."

[1F14] Homer Loves Flanders

I Ain't Drunk. I'm Just Drinkin'

Marge: "Have you been drinking?"

Homer: "No! [long pause] Well, ten beers."

[3G01] The Springfield Files

Blame It On The Beer

Homer: "Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!"

Bart: "I believe you, Dad."

[1F09] Zirconia Ztolen!!!

TV Melancholy

Marge: "Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?"

Bart: "Six. Seven if there's something good on."

[7F23] When Flanders Failed

TV Angst

Ned Flanders: "Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch My Three Sons but it got them all worked up before bedtime."

[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Homer The Smithers

Homer: (as Mr. Burns' secretary) "Here are your messages:
You have 30 minutes to move your car.
You have 10 minutes.
Your car has been impounded.
Your car has been crushed into a cube.
You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

(phone rings)

Homer: "Y'ello, Mr. Burns' office?"

Mr. Burns: "Is it about my cube?"

[3F14] Homer the Smithers

Thinking At Work

Marge: "I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating."

Homer: "But it gives me time to think."

Marge: "Oh. What do you think about?"

Homer: "Oh, girls. I MEAN BOYS! I, I MEAN YOU!"

[8F10] I Married Marge

Lost Children

Ned: "I called the police captain....He says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue, he'll fax us."

[2F22] Lemon of Troy

Guns At The Table

Marge: "Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table!"

Homer: "You said the breakfast table."

Marge: "It's the same table!"

[5F01] The Cartridge Family

All Right Brain...

Homer: "All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer."

Brain: "It's a deal!"

[9F16] The Front

Grandpa: "...and I learned I can make money selling my medication to deadheads."

[2F07] Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy

Code Names

Homer: "...Now we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball."

Moe: "You're an idiot."

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Marge: "Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance."

Homer: "Curse you, magic beans!"

Marge: "Oh, stop blaming the beans."

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Lisa: "Dad what's a Muppet?"

Homer: "Well, it's not quite a mop, and its not quite a puppet, but man (laughing)... So to answer your question I don't know."

[3F15] A Fish Called Selma

Homer: "Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. [reads a list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination -- "

Lisa: "World domination?"

Homer: "Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.

Homer's brain: 'Mental note: the girl knows too much.'

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Bart's Hygiene

Bart: "I wash myself with a rag on a stick."

[3F05] King- Size Homer

Class Photo Day

Marge: "Bart, it's class photo day. No dracula fangs!"

Bart: "But they told us to wear them."

Marge: "No they didn't!"

[3F01] Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily