At the DMV

Patty: "Some days, we don't let the line move at all."

Selma: "We call those weekdays."


[3F17] Bart on the Road

Zombie Killer

Bart: "Dad! You've shot Zombie Flanders!"

Homer: "He was a zombie?"


[9F04] Treehouse of Horror III

Self Realization

Homer: "I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me."


[3F17] Bart on the Road

Phone Prank Backfires

Homer: "Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura."

Moe: "Ura Snotball?"

Homer: "What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran."

[3F17] Bart on the Road

Some Things You Don't Share

Malloy: "Abe, can I borrow your ointment?"

Grandpa:" ...All right . But this time, clean off the applicator!"


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

How Do You Pronounce That?

Homer: [depressed] "Saxamophoooooone. "


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

TMI Grampa Simpson

Grandpa Simpson:" ...I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar."

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Cat Burglar Taunts Homer

Kent: "Well it looks like we have our first caller...and I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on the air."

Man: "Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer -- my arch-nemesis."

Homer: "Y'ello."

Man: "You do realize who this is?"

Homer: "Uh...Marge?"

Man: "No, Homer, I'm not your wife. Although, I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now."

Homer: "Why you monster. And you have my daughter's saxophone too!"

[Homer strangles someone off camera]

Kent: "Homer! That's our stage manager."

Homer: "Oh...heh, sorry. I'm a little nervous."


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Lie Detector

Homer: "Hey, you! Where did you get that saxophone?"

Student (hesitates): "Sears."

Homer: "Get him! "


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Police State

Lisa: "Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?"

Homer: "I dunno. Coast Guard?"

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Blame The Beans

Lisa: "We are insured, aren't we, Mom?"

Marge: "Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance."

Homer: "Curse you, magic beans!"

Marge: "Oh, stop blaming the beans."


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Robbed!

Bart:"Dad...we've been robbed!"

Lisa: "Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone!"

Homer: "Woo-hoo!"

Bart: "And our portable TV!"

Homer: "D'oh!"

Marge: "And my necklace!"

Homer: "Ehh, that's no big loss."

Marge:" Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom."

Homer: "Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of 'em."

Marge: "Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too."


[4F01] Lisa's Date With Density

Bad Father, Bad Brother

Homer: [on the phone] "Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast!
How old are you? Uh huh. And what's your birthday? No kidding.
And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What? You don't know your
sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you!"


[8F17] Dog Of Death

Holy Waffles

Homer: "Why do you mock me, O Lord?"

Marge: "Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there."

Homer: "I know I shouldn't eat thee, but --" [bites] "Mmm, sacrili-cious."


[1F14] Homer Loves Flanders

Language

Bart: "These uniforms suck!"

Marge: "Where do you pick up words like that?"

Homer (on the phone): "Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked."

[3F10] Team Homer

Marge: "I'm worried about Bart. Today, he's sucking people's blood, tommorrow he might be smoking."


Treehouse Of Horror ?

Doggy Afterlife

Bart: "Is there a doggy hell?"

Homer: "Well... Of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell."

Bart: "Who's in there?"

Homer: "Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester..."

Lisa: "Checkers."

Homer: "Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one that mauled Timmy!"


[8F17] Dog Of Death

Self Discipline

Homer'sBrain: "You gotta use reverse psychology!"

Homer: "Well, that sounds too complicated."

Brain: "Okay, don't use reverse psychology."

Homer: "All right, I will!"

[8F07] Saturday's Of Thunder

What Was The Name Of That Movie?

Homer: "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.' "


[3G01] The Springfield Files

The Curse of the Monkey's Paw

Homer: "I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, AND I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?"

[a turkey sandwich materializes and Homer takes a bite]

Homer: "Hey! Not bad... Nice, hot mustard... Good bread... The turkey's a little dry... THE TURKEY'S A LITTLE DRY! Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! What demon from the depths of hell created thee! "


[8F02] Treehouse Of Horror II

Dedication Of A Husband

Homer: "Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. "


[3F09] Two Bad Neighbors