Make Believe World

Homer: "Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats."


[5F13] The Little Wiggy

Mixing Fables

Homer: "Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?"

Bart: "Is it a Bible story?"

Homer: "Yeah, probably."


[7F22] Blood Feud

A Sheperd's Work Is Never Done

Ned: "Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his 'damn vegetables.'"

Rev.L: "Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?"

Ned: "No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!"

Rev.L: "Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible."

Ned: "Where in the Bible?"

Rev.L: "Uh... Page 900."


[8F16] Bart The Lover

What Women Want

Lisa: "Women don't like to be shot at, Dad."

Homer: "Women will like what I tell them to like."

[5f21] The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

Undead Sons, Killer Beer

Homer (annoyed): "You and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire' 'Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that (pause) building (pause) thingy, where our beds and TV (pause)... is. "


[1F04] Treehouse of Horror IV

What To Believe

Homer: "Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."


[1F04] Treehouse Of Horror IV

A Mother Knows

Marge: "Have you noticed any change in Bart?"

Homer: "New glasses?"

Marge: "No...he looks like something might be disturbing him."

Homer: "Probably misses his old glasses."

Marge: "I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him."

Homer: "Yeah, and then we'd get the chair."

Marge: "That's not what I meant."

Homer: "It was, Marge... admit it."


[2F04] Bart's Girlfriend

It Was A Very Good Year

Homer: "Well beer, we've had some great times... "
[singing to "It was a Very Good Year"]
"When I was 17,
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer
I purchased with a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was 17. "


[9F14] Duffless

Pleasures Of Life

Homer: "Come on, honey! You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you. "


[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Laws Are Made To Be Broken

Homer: "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"


[2F19] The PTA Disbands

Aquatic Children

Marge: "Can you see them?"

Homer: "I can see Lisa...but it might be a starfish!"


[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Marge Fails a Drug Test?

Instructor: "I'm very proud of you people. You've learned how to care for your children, you've learned how to maintain your homes, and you've all passed a drug test. Except for Marge -- Marge, you tested positive for Crack and PCP."

Marge: "Oh my!"

[Fifteen minutes later]

Instructor: "OK, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake."


[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

That Brings Us Back To D,oh!

Homer: "D,oh!"

Lisa: "A deer!"

Marge: "A female deer!"


[1F15] Bart Gets an Elephant

Listening Skills

Judge: "I can see you sincerely want your children back, but you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called Family Skills. It teaches parents to listen to their -- "

Homer: "Communication, gotcha."

Judge: "But it's important to --"

Homer: "Listen, yes, I know."

Judge: "But there's more to it than --"

Homer: "[shouting] I have listening skills!"

Judge: "Mr. Simpson, would you please --"

Homer: "Shut up, Judge! "


[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Father of the Year

Homer (to child-custody judge): "Well, wait a minute! OK, I'm not going to win Father of the Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have kids. I -- "

[the judge looks at him sternly]

Homer: " Er, well, er, wait...can I start again? Fathering children is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa!"

Judge: "And Margaret? "

Homer: "Who? Lady, you got the wrong file."

Marge: [whispers to Homer] "It's Maggie!"

Homer: "Oh, Maggie. I got nothing against Maggie."


[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Holier Than Thou

Bart: "Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?"

Homer: [reverently] "Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan."

Ned: "Wait! Homer, what did you just say?"

Homer: "I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!"

Ned: "Oh, fair enough."


[3F01] Home Sweet Home- Diddily- Dum- Doodily

Pride In One's Nickname

Bart: "Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team. Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you and Martin."

Martin: "Team Discovery Channel!"


[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Survival Training

Bart: "Remember, if you get lost, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun."

[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Codenames

Bart: "OK, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Milhouse is my loyal sidekick, Nelson's the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy, and Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy. "


[2F22] Lemon Of Troy

Lessons of a Student

Edna: "Class, please! If you don't learn roman numerals, you'll never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted."


[2F22] Lemon of Troy

Pointing Fingers

Homer: "Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. Aaaaand let's not forget your little speech!"


[2F22] Lemon of Troy

If You Need To Reach Me...

Marge:" It's almost lunch time. Do you know where your brother is tutoring?"

Lisa:"Pfft. Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerilla combat..."

Marge: "Well, do you have a number where we can reach him?"


[2F22] Lemon Of Troy